The Journey

Today is a day I will never forget. It is a day to morn the passing of my sweet little Peter Gambling Parker. It is amazing how one moment you are the happiest person in the world, and then the next it is like the World has been turned upside down and everything isn't making any sense. How can such a sweet spirit bring me such joy and heartache? I never thought it would happen to us. We had 2 perfect pregnancies. Everything went perfect each time. Why this time? Why are chromosomes so specific to either work properly or destroy?

But then I need to remember that everything will be okay. Peter was a chosen spirit, and that all he needed from me was a body, and I was able to give that to him. I know that I am never given a trial that I can not handle, but this journey was something I had not prepared myself for. I felt him move inside me, I woke up throughout the night to pee, I was uncomfortable, my hip joints weren't fitting properly in the sockets, my back hurt.... for what? To be told that there wasn't a heartbeat, and my precious baby was no more.

My heart sank when I looked at the ultrasound machine, and as the tears rolled down the doctor's cheek... hoping she would find a heartbeat. Time stopped! My body went numb, and the journey took a detour. What just happened? Why won't David answer his phone? Our baby is gone. Next door I hear the strong heartbeat of another baby, and I'm jealous why can't that be my baby . Then a doctor outside the door is talking to a nurse telling her that his patient is dilated to an 8, and she needs to be escorted to Labor and Deliver. Why can't that be me? Emotions take me over, until I'm in the arms of the Man I love.

The doctor continues to discuss the procedures with us, but all I hear is silence but continue to see her lip move. The walk to Labor and Delivery is short, but a flood of memories hit me. David and I walking the same halls to help with the delivery of Lizzie. What happens next is something I never want to experience again. We are walked to our room, but it is not a special room it is a normal "Happy room" where healthy and happy babies are born. The warmer is ready and all the the tools are out and ready to help in bringing this baby into the World. This is not a normal delivery. Get me out of here! I am not going to be taking my baby home. Why does every happy memory need to flood my mind right now. Give me a sterile room with no happy memories. No reminders of life. Please oh please let there be a heartbeat.

The doctor inserts the medication and the waiting game begins. My mind continues to flood with excitement that I will have a baby in my arms within hours, but then I remember the special circumstances. This baby isn't going home with me. The contractions start, and I prepare myself for the most difficult experience I will have to live with. at 11:30 pm the doctor breaks my water, and I know the baby will be here soon, but we continue to wait. The pressure gets worse and then Achoo! The baby is here. I start to panic. I push the nurse button and scream that I need my nurse. I hear footsteps running running down the hall. The sheets are thrown off the bed, and the baby is out of sight. The nurse places the baby in the warmer. Memories flash to happy thoughts, but are erased with fear. What is it going to look like? Will it look like a baby or still kinda alienish? Did I get a baby boy like I had dreamed about or was it another girl? As the tears rolled down my cheeks, and barely get out, "Is it a boy or girl" It was music to my ears. It is a little boy, and he looks perfect. Physically he was perfect in every way. Ten fingers and toes. Two big dark eyes. He was everything I ever hoped for. He weighted point eight ounce and was 4 1/2 inches long, and was born at 2:00 am. David and I got to hold him, and say our goodbyes. How can this perfect little being be so hard to say goodbye to? Why am I so attached? How can I let him go? Please come home with me little Peter... I'm begging you. I need you to be with me. I need to hold you, and love you. I need to cheer you on with your 1st steps, I need to hold your hand as we cross the street, I need to hold you throughout the night when you have a bad dream. I need you more than you need me..please don't leave me!

The moment comes when I have to let you go, but you will always be with me. I love you Peter! You will always be my special boy, and I can't wait to meet you again. Remember no matter how far I am away I will always love you. Thank goodness families can be together forever. We will have eternity to be together.